Friday, June 19, 2009
Daddy, Where Have You Been????
With Father's Day approaching, I feel as if I MUST get this off my chest.
I know I am not the only woman out there with "daddy issues". I am taking this time to vent, and giving you girls the opportunity to vent about your own feelings, if your dad was absent like mine, or if your kid's dad ain't worth 2 shits, THIS IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE... TELL EM HOW YOU FEEL!!
I know we should be over it by now, but some things will stay with you forever. I am kind of glad that my dad left, simply because it taught me to do for myself, because no man will stay around no matter what you do. Also, because he could have been molesting me or beating my ass all these years and turning me into something worse.
Then again, I think that it would have helped if he was doing right and around, he could tell me all the things about boys my mom failed to mention. This was the first man to break my heart.
It also caused me to have a lot of respect for my mother. It takes a lot to raise three kids on your own, and my mom did that and did the very best she could. While this dude ran around having more kids. Currently, I am the 6th out of ten of my dad's kids. He was in Vietnam and traveled a lot. Apparently, he dropped his semen in every city he touched.
My father and mother were married in 1980 and he disappeared from our lives forever in 1992. I was 8 years old. I didn't see his face again until 2005, I was 21. My daughter was 1. Thirteen years of feeling un-loved can do some things to you. It broke my heart, because I was "Daddy's Girl", and I couldn't understand what the hell I did wrong that he would not come see me my brother or my sister anymore. He fell victim to crack. He began to sell our things. I went up to my room one day to get my dolls out and they were gone. He sold my Barbie dolls for crack.
Growing up, I was a bad-ass. Rowdy, getting sent home from school, my mother had to come to school for me EVERY YEAR from 4th-12th grade. Sometimes more than once. I just didn't give a fuck. Surprisingly, my grades were really good, I was always on the honor and merit roll, I just had a problem with authoritative figures. If I could stop talking shit for a second I would be alright. I struggled with the concept of, well, my own father doesn't even love me, so who will? I constantly struggled with self-esteem issues when it came to men, I thought I wasn't really good enough for them, cause I wasn't even good enough for the man whose dick I rode in on.
We've talked since then. He keeps it very brief on the phone, probably because he doesn't want to explain anything. Must be embarrassing. Especially to his new family. He currently resides in his native Greensboro NC home with his "wife" and her kids. So fortunate for them.
When I saw him when I was 21, he was passing thru because he was visiting Niagara Falls. He brought his wig-wearing girlfriend with him, and I couldn't say everything I wanted to say. I never have. I think that's why I feel this way.
I do feel better about it, now, that I am older and I have vented, never really got to do that before. My mom gets too mad talking about it. My older sister refuses to discuss it. So does my younger brother.
Then I know there are so many other people out there with a story, some worse than mine. What kind of man can have children and then be ok with not seeing them for years? My daughter is gone overnight and I'm sweating. I guess he really wasn't a man.
Would anyone else like to share their story?